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Parenting Your Teenager: The Law of Belonging

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I've had the privilege of working with teenagers and their families now for over 25 years. I've been at it long enough to have a teen with whom I once worked in the eighties bring in their teenager to get help. That came sooner than I expected it would.

One of the many things I have learned over all these years is the greatest emotional need of teenagers. It may not be what you thing, and may surprise you.

The greatest emotional need of teenagers (after music, the computer and the phone) is a strong sense of belonging.

They need to feel they are a part of something bigger than themselves. If they don't get it in a healthy place - with family, worthwhile friends, clubs, sports, youth groups, etc. - they will get it in an unhealthy place - with inappropriate friends, drugs, gangs or cults.

One of our many jobs as parents is to make sure the first place they feel a sense of belonging is in the family.

The second place we can foster a sense of belonging is with friends in clubs, church, sports or other groups.

One of the questions I am most often asked by parents is what to do when there teen wants to quit a club or sport that they have been a part of for a long time.

My answer is it is OK to quit if the following criteria are met:

1. The desire to quit is not a symptom of depression or drug use,

2. It's not a situation where it would be better for the teen to see something to completion, and

3. The teen replaces what they are leaving with something else that is healthy. The sometimes exception to that rule is if the teen is already over loaded and quitting something gives them a more normal and healthy schedule and life.

Remember, teens are going to get a sense of belonging somewhere. It's our job to make sure that somewhere is a good somewhere.

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Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring .