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Let Go of My Leg! Separation Anxiety in Children

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How do you recognize Separation Anxiety in children? Let’s see if this rings any bells:

You probably know the scene all too well. With no time to even put the Cheerios bowl in the sink, you hustle your darling toddler out to the car and buckle her in. You down your coffee and worry about today’s big meeting with the boss as you steer through morning rush-hour traffic. Twenty minutes later (and five minutes behind schedule) you screech to a halt in front of the daycare center and the howling begins. You beg, plead and bribe your typically sweet and considerate girl to get out of the car; but the standoff has begun. Perhaps a couple of daycare employees come out to the curb to help you wrestle Mommy’s little princess out of her seat and drag her wailing up the walk. Now you’re 15 minutes behind schedule, your clothes are a mess, and you’re so upset that you probably shouldn’t even be driving.

While it’s nice to feel loved, sometime our kids seem to take it to extremes. What is that all about, anyway? It turns out that the cause of the commotion is Separation Anxiety. It refers to a stage in a child’s development where she begins to fear being away from the primary caregiver. Chances are, it began when she was just under a year old, and you’ve been “enjoying” it all through toddler-hood.

After a long, tiring day at work, you return to the daycare to retrieve your little angel. As you walk in the room, she bursts into tears and comes running to you. You wonder if she’s cried all day and if the daycare center is going to start charging you extra for earplugs and elective surgery along the lines of a nice lobotomy. It is nearly impossible to get her coat on, as she is clinging so tightly to the front of you. At home she has trouble falling asleep and climbs into your bed at some point during the night. When the two of you awake in the morning, she tells you that she has a stomachache and that she can’t go to daycare today.

These are all classic signs of Separation Anxiety in children. While there are severe versions known as Separation Anxiety Disorder, the behavior she’s displaying is most likely just typical growing pains, the cause of which is her mental and emotional development. These are responses to her budding understanding of the world in which she lives. About the time the anxiety began, her toddler brain had learned to equate you with safety; and once that connection was made, she began to believe you needed to be near in order for her to stay safe. In some cases, she may have determined that she had to be near to keep you safe, as well.

Just as her fear of the dark will dissipate as she grows, so will her anxiety over being separated from you. The distress caused by the daily display of emotion is draining for both you and the child, but it is necessary for her to learn that you will always come back for her and that she is able to function as an individual human being. Try to take a deep breath, and as the daycare employees peel the clinging, crying child from your leg in the morning, try to console yourself in the knowledge that every parent in history has survived Separation Anxiety in children.

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Article written by: KC Smith